Overcoming the Mind - a Powerful Transition

One of the most daunting aspects of deepening one’s self awareness is becoming aware of how you think. Paying attention to our thoughts can have a tremendous impact on our mental wellness and self esteem. That is why the goal of meditation and many spiritual practices is to create enough internal space so you can begin to witness your thoughts. When we can observe our thoughts, we create the possibility of preventing negative beliefs from being powerful influencers. But, confronting our self-talk of self-sabotage can be quite challenging.

It is difficult in itself to recognize how often we belittle ourselves and keep ourself “stuck”. Know that you’re not at fault for thinking this way; our mindsets are conditioned and have been programmed to trust the negative more than the positive, especially when the “facts” have been vetted. The mind will naturally disregard the newest information because “new” is not trusted. One way this can show up for many people is when receiving praise: compliments contrast pre-existing shadow beliefs. 

The thing about our mind is that it believes it is being helpful by keeping us safe. The mind is clever and very solution-oriented. If we are not watchful, it will automatically fill in gaps of missing information with assumptions and made-up stories. Every time this happens we are rewarded with a dose of dopamine. We literally get high when we create a narrative - true or false. The mind strategically combines these techniques to prevent change because new and different can be very threatening. As a result negative thoughts will flow to make sure alterations do not happen. That’s why many people will settle for what is familiar, even if it is unhealthy. 

In order to manifest and sustain conscious change in our lives, we have to work with our mind like we are training a puppy. Gentle encouragement that rewards the requested behavior. Step one:  become aware of a negative thought or belief system. Like a puppy, we don’t yell or ridicule the thought or action, we simply notice and then encourage change, compassionately. Step two: once aware, we then intentionally replace the adverse thought or beliefs with new and positive ones. This becomes the practice until the shift within happens. Notice, acknowledge and implement change by distracting your mind. Just like bribing a puppy with a treat.

The distraction - the treat - are the positive thoughts that replaces the pessimistic ones. For each negative thought, the brain needs to hear a positive thought five times just to “neutralize” its mindset. Eventually, the repetition will shift the gloom towards the light. Repetition takes time but it has proven to be very powerful. Louise Hay (one of my superheroes) was renowned for demonstrating the power of affirmations to bring about self-healing and positive change. Hay suggested writing down an affirmation at least five times, for twenty one days. Affirmations shift your focus and help you cultivate positive energy. Affirmations are the original positive influencers!

At the end of my Soul Rejuvenation workshops, every attendee is invited to randomly select a Louise Hay affirmation card. They always seem to select one that resonates with them personally. In seeing this happen again and again, I believe every individual is capable of change and that we innately know what it is that we need and call it to ourselves. The biggest hurdle is always our mind and affirmations can be loving reminders that change is possible.

Throughout the process of reviewing and “revamping” it is important to be kind and patience with yourself; you’re unweaving a tightly woven way of believing, undoing one knot at a time. We each have had a lot of years getting really good at negative self talk so cultivating a new conversation will take time and lot of self love. I promise this road is well worth the journey, because on the other side is a greater capacity to love and the entire process is about living compassionately and beginning to experience your sense of self worth.

“Your mind is like a constant prayer.
Whatever it is focused on, will be.”
— LB

As my dear friend LB says, “Your mind is like a constant prayer. What ever it is focused on, will be.” I believe the practice of repetition is helpful for all of us. Whether you pray, meditate, chant, write or recite affirmations, the practice of positive repetition is extremely beneficial for our sense of well-being. Though the brain is a powerful thing to overcome, once we learn how to get past the hurdles of our mind, we can begin to see and feel how amazing we each really are. Our thoughts have a powerful impact on how we see and feel about ourselves and can shape our lives. 

Soul Rejuvenation is a unique healing workshop that blends restorative yoga, channeling and hands on healing. Sound healing and essential oils are also integrated. This holistic workshop is intended to help heal and rejuvenate the mind, body and soul. Tania holds this event throughout the year in Santa Barbara. To learn more, visit www.taniaisaac.com/special-events

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Reiki's Healing Power: Balancing Body, Mind & Spirit

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Many people have asked me, “What exactly is Reiki?” It is hard to describe because it is something felt and each experience differs person to person. 

Reiki 101

The word "Reiki" is derived from two Japanese words: "Rei," which means universal or divine, and "ki," which refers to the life force energy that flows through all living things.

Reiki (Ray-key) is powerful energy medicine that amplifies the universal life force energy channeled by a practitioner through their hands to promote healing, relaxation, and balance in the recipient's body, mind, and spirit. Reiki is often used as a complementary or alternative therapy because it can reach to the root of the dis-ease to soothe the soul and support our emotional, energetic and spiritual healing.

In a typical Reiki session, the recipient lies down fully clothed, while the practitioner lightly places their hands on or near the recipient's body. The practitioner then uses various hand positions and techniques to facilitate the flow of energy to remove blockages, promote relaxation, and support the body's natural healing processes. Each hand-placement is easy to identify and will never rest directly on the breasts or genitals. If ever a placement of the hands is in question, I will always ask for permission. 

What Led Me to Reiki

Around the same time I began to expand my channeling ability, I noticed kinesthetic sensitivity in my hands. It felt (and still does) like my hands were drawn by magnets to certain areas of the body. It consistently turned out to be areas of pain, tenderness or discomfort. I decided to formally study a path of hands-on healing and researched various practices. Most felt rather complicated whereas Reiki was pure and simple.

The Three Levels of Reiki

Practitioners can build upon their foundation of knowledge because Reiki offers three degrees (levels) of training.

Reiki Level 1 (First Degree): focuses on self-healing and provides the foundation to practice Reiki on others.

Reiki Level 2 (Second Degree): builds upon the foundation of Level 1 and expands the student's ability to work with Reiki energy. Sacred symbols are introduced that enable practitioners to send healing energy to people, pets, plants, situations or events that are not physically present. In other words, long distance or remote healing can be performed.

Reiki Level 3 (Third Degree or Master Level): Is also known as the "Master" level and represents the highest level of Reiki training as it is focused on self-mastery and the ability to teach Reiki to others. In Level 3, students receive the Master attunement, which is believed to further enhance their connection to the Reiki energy.


The Importance of Healing Touch

Reiki is often fondly called “healing touch”. Humans are naturally wired to be touched. Without it, we wither. According to WebMD, “When you don't get enough physical touch, you can become stressed, anxious, or depressed. As a response to stress, our body makes a hormone called cortisol that can cause our heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and breathing rate to go up.” This response is similar to the “fight, flight or flee '' and can negatively affect our immune and digestive systems, especially if the body remains in this heightened state for long periods of time.

Non-sexual touching, like a comforting hug, can produce oxytocin - a feel good chemical - that in turn can stimulate other positive-feeling hormones like dopamine and serotonin, which reduce cortisol. Our skin is our largest organ and contains millions of sensory nerves. This network of nerve fibers in our skin is dedicated to detect the touch of another person and thus have an emotional response. Even if one does not believe in Reiki, they will at least benefit from the human connection.

The Power of Reiki

Reiki offers many benefits. While scientific evidence for these benefits may be limited, many individuals who practice or receive Reiki report positive outcomes. 

Reiki can be used as a complementary approach in managing mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is also extremely helpful for those undergoing harsh treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. When undergoing cancer prevention treatments, the patient’s energetic field can be cleared in half the normal length of time and they can come out of post-operative depression sooner.

Reiki is often reported to promote deep relaxation, which can help reduce stress, anxiety, and tension. It may help to calm the mind and body, inducing a state of relaxation and promoting a sense of well-being. When our body is able to rest and relax is when it can begin to heal.

Additional benefits of receiving Reiki may include:

  • Boost energy flow

  • Enhance of physical, emotional and mental balance

  • Increase in emotional and mental well being. Improved sleep

  • Personal growth and spiritual development

  • Pain relief and pain management.

What Can Reiki Feel Like?

Some people have described their experience through colors, textures, images, temperatures or physical sensations such as electric, vibrational, magnetic. Others fall into a deep sleep or experience lucid dreaming. 

Here are a few descriptions of individual experiences without the provider’s name to honor their privacy.

“It felt like moss spreading: peaceful and green.”

“I felt like I was being combed out and the line of gold energy kept getting broader and longer.”

“Warm and nurturing.”

“Magical and dreamy.”

“Lulling.”

“Divine. Heavenly.”

What Do I Experience When Giving Reiki?

All sorts of things! No experience is exactly like another, even with the same person. Every offering is unique.

The temperature of my hands will vary throughout a session as will the kinesthetic pull. Generally, when a hand placement feels complete my hands begin to feel as though they are being lifted off. Areas that are in need of healing tend to feel as though I’ve immersed my hands into a pool of warm satin. Sometimes I feel pulses, vibrations, electricity or see colors and images, and in my case, because of my channeling ability, I will receive messages either from the body or from a higher source during the session which I then share with the recipient. Usually, during the brief post-chat when I share where my hands felt the most heat the recipient will have had the same experience. 

What About Long Distance Healing?

Due to covid and the common space of Zoom, I have been holding more sessions online. At first I wondered if remote healing would be as effective, but it can actually be more so. In providing reiki remotely, I work energetically with hologram healing. Like a three dimensional image that I can turn and rotate, I work multi-dimensionally with a recipient’s energy body. Energy is energy and it translates no matter the medium or distance. When I am connected to someone vibrationally, I am able to read and receive their energy.

Tips for Receiving Reiki

The person you receive reiki from should make you feel comfortable and welcomed from the start. I consider sharing reiki a very special and sacred experience so a sense of appreciation and respect must go both ways. I am open to adapting my reiki sessions per the client’s needs and wishes. Perhaps this is due to my accessible yoga background, but I feel it is essential to support individual agency. A practitioner has to have fluidity, just like the energy, in order to properly provide the fullest experience possible. Depending on the reason for receiving reiki, a person may already feel vulnerable and exposed, so it is important to create a calm and nurturing environment. Even though someone comes into “my space”, I hold space for them.

Your practitioner may or may not have a formal questionnaire for you to complete prior to your first session. It is not required but can be helpful, for both of you. It is greatly beneficial for you to disclose any physical ailments so your practitioner can be sure to create a physically supportive environment. Know that you do not have to receive reiki laying on a massage table; you can receive reiki while seated in a chair. I offer to hold sessions on the ground if that is preferable for an individual. 

Reiki’s simplicity enables the energy to go wherever it is needed. The practitioner, nor you, have to direct it. Our energy is always seeking the highest healing. That said, energy does follow intention, so feel free to set an intention if you believe it will serve you. You do not need to share it with your practitioner nor does it have to be complex. Pure and simple.

The biggest thing in receiving reiki is allowing yourself to receive. This can be challenging for people who are accustomed to always doing for others. Take deep breaths as often as needed throughout your session to remind yourself and your body that it is ok to let go.

It is not uncommon to feel a bit tired after a deep healing, so I recommend you consciously set time aside after your session to rest. In other words, don’t bounce up and bound off to lunch with a friend or a business meeting. Give yourself quality downtime so your physical and energetic bodies can integrate the energetic shifts of the session.

I also recommend journaling about your session as a way to bear witness to yourself and your experience. Journaling can be helpful in remembering any profound insights or messages that came through during your receipt of reiki.

Can Anyone Learn Reiki?

Yes and yes! It is a beautiful practice that can have an immense impact on your life. Even if you do not intend or want to ever offer it to others, being able to give yourself reiki can be life changing. I dedicate fifteen minutes each morning to giving myself reiki. It is such a wonderful way to start the day: receiving the healing energy and self-love. I highly recommend taking at least a Level 1 training to establish your foundation and experience what the healing energy is like for you. 

Most Reiki Masters require a minimum number of practice hours in order to be able to take Level 2. Even if you do not plan on offering reiki to others, the practice of sharing reiki will be life changing; your personal attunement with the energy deepens every time you share reiki. If you decide to take Level 2, give yourself at least three months of practicing reiki to integrate into your energy and life. 

After Level 2, I recommended to practice reiki at least one year before taking Level 3. There are so many added layers in Level 2 that experiencing, discerning and truly deepening into the practice is profound and powerful thus worthwhile of your time.

If Level 3 calls you, go forth my friend! The world is currently in a huge energetic transition and the more people that are willing to contribute towards the evolutionary shift are gifts for All.

Reiki Training

I am offering Level 1 and 2 this year (2023) and I am so excited about it! In preparing my course I can feel the energy expanding. The training will be held in Santa Barbara (where I currently live.) There are two Level 1 trainings scheduled: May 20 & 21 and July 22 & 23. Level 2 will be held in Fall.

To learn more, click here: Reiki Level 1, May 20 & 21, 2023

Emotional Being

“We can’t will ourselves to not feel anything. Life doesn’t work like that.” ~ Supergirl

A big and essential component in the work that I do is to create a space in which my clients can feel safe to identify and be with their emotions. When we can label our feelings, we enable ourselves to heal. The process of identifying moves us into ownership versus the feelings owning us. This then enables the body to release where that emotion has been stored. Because our bodies are amazing storage lockers, this “storage process” can block our vitality and create dis-ease. In order to unblock we have to unlock our feelings and a key is identifying what they are. 

Emotional Capacity is when one is able to manage their emotions, be empathetic, and understand the feelings of others. When one lacks emotional capacity they are ruled by their feelings, lack empathy and have trouble understanding other people’s emotions. Emotional literacy is the foundation of our emotional capacity.

Emotional literacy can be defined as the ability to identify and label our feelings, the feelings of others, and to cope with and express our emotions in appropriate and healthy ways. Brene’ Brown breaks down the components of emotional literacy in her recent book, “Dare To Lead.” Brene’ B is one of my superheroes. For me, Brene’ is right up there with Wonder Woman. She is a modern day wonder woman. 

In reading “Section Four: Shame and Empathy” I realized I come from an emotionally illiterate family. In my family, you didn’t talk about your feelings. The main focus in my family was what you did and how well you did it; it was performance driven, result based. There was not the capacity for one to express their feelings. Many emotions were struck down, or swept aside, because they made mi familia uncomfortable. Behavior was rewarded or rebuked, but the root never, if ever, examined. The space to learn emotional literacy lacked. 

Both my parents stemmed from families who were unpracticed in emotional literacy. We all are products of our previous generations, so when we choose to be different from our family systems, we “go against the grain” of what we have been taught. You become an emotional pioneer in unknown territory. This is why conscious healing of our emotional body is so vital and also why it can be so damn hard. But, the pursuit of one’s truth is never a solo cruise; you eventually find your people.

My ability to have constructive conversations that involve sharing how I feel and why has been a long road, but it has not been a lone one. It has taken a village for me to learn what I know and practice today: between my therapists, relationships, soul sisters, authors of all the books I’ve absorbed, teachers of all the practices I have embraced….we can’t grow alone and we don’t have to. We all need our village and we can cultivate it along the way. Where we believe, or see our family as lacking (in my case: talking about our emotions), we can find and develop new in new collectives.

In continuing to develop my emotional literacy and thus broaden my emotional capacity, I find that it’s always helpful to start with “the basics”; identify what I am feeling first - without shame or self criticism. Once I identify it, I can then own it and create space in which to process it. Otherwise, it can become the hairy scary monster lurking in the corner of the maze; you’ll never escape it.

Step 1: Name it; own it.

Step 2: Accept yourself as you are with the way you feel.

Step 3: Give yourself time and space to process.

Step 4: Reflect versus react and make a conscious choice moving forward.

We are geared to jump into action, to solve the problem and leave our emotions for last, if at all. Our society says that only the weak ones know their feelings. The truth is: the ones who know, can be present to and process their feelings are the healthy individuals who have a handle on life because they are not in a spin cycle of reacting: they’re responding. 


Develop your emotional literacy. Reach out, ask questions, listen, reflect, learn and increase your emotional vocabulary. Cultivate the space you need in order to grow. That means recognizing and being honest with yourself about the people you can have these conscious conversations with and the ones you can’t. Then, every time you identify an emotion, be kind to yourself, patient and self-loving. This is the “dirty work” of drudging so you can clear so let your tears flow if need be. It is up to each of us to break the cycle and cultivate anew.

In a healing session with me, I’ll let you know that you’re in a no shaming space, then invite you to lay down your armor and prop up your feet. As we identify your emotions and tap into where they are stored, I will breathe and share in this sacred space with you, but not pity you. It takes a courageous heart to live an authentic life. When you are brave enough to embrace all of yourself, you become a personal hero to many.

If you are interested in learning more about my Intuitive Healing Sessions, click here.

Her Voice

I have made peace with the fact that I am not meant to be a biological mother in this life. It was hard and it took time to get here. Every so often my grief is triggered by an innocuous comment, a baby’s coo, a toddler’s wobbly steps. It is ultimately ok because it is part of my path and process in life. This path has led me to understand and thus embrace the liberties I am blessed with in not being a parent. Those that are parents may not understand this because they have not had to cross that bridge. While we can easily make comparisons on what we each have and don’t have; let us simply respect our different journeys.


In “Celestial Happenstance”, a recent blog from the third perspective, I shared a recent experience that drudged up the part of myself that wanted to be a mother. As I sat, deep in breath, navigating the rolling waves of emotions, I understood what was needed: to look at that part of myself - to see and feel her. In my path of grievance into healing, I had forgotten to bring her along.


This blog is dedicated to giving her a voice. This entry opens up my past paternal desires to the world. In doing so, I hope to further heal my heart.

My name is Tania and I was born to be a mother. It was a story that began not by my own actions or beliefs, but from my mother’s guidance. From a young age she prepared me for motherhood with insightful advice that grew over time into a sophisticated rolodex of information. I was on alert anytime a child was present so as to anticipate and possibly predict their quick actions in case they put themselves in danger of getting hurt. There were many data files I had at the ready, such as: cradle a newborn baby’s head to prevent injury to their delicate neck, always anticipate a baby tipping back or forward when they are learning to sit, and if a baby manages to grasp a cluster of long hair, carefully pull their fingers away one by one (rather than sliding the hair out of their clutch) so as not to cut their skin.

This ingrained instruction caused me to feel naturally ordained as a mother. So, from a young age I stock piled names in my mind, because I believed I would have two girls. They would receive my favorite names: Brooklyn and Alexandra. I assumed I would be a brilliant and busy “soccer-mom-type”; bustling the girls back and forth from their extracurricular activities, hosting the coolest sleep-overs, having The Talk about puberty, sex, maturation, love and broken hearts.

I vouched to be entirely different from my mother in that love would be unconditional; not earned through approval rates. I would advocate for their individuality and not compete with them, be critical or force them to conform. I would encourage them to speak their voice, show their strength and understand the difference between resistance and resilience. I would honor their ways of expression and remind them to stay truthful to themselves, always. As often as needed, I would invite them to check in with themselves: to see how they felt emotionally and energetically, to prioritize their self care and to never leave themselves for last.

I was going to be such a super cool mom! I’d give them a thumbs up on body art; just be safe and wise about it. I would buy them each a shot of tequila when they turned of age. I would encourage them to study abroad, travel as far as possible and often. Study various cultures, learn another language, embrace your passion, study what you’re excited about - not what you have to. 

I was excited to see them blossom, spread their wings and fly out into the world as adults. I looked forward to how and when they became their own person in every way and even told myself I would be excited to reinvent their room into something fun for their father and I after they moved out.

No matter their gender identity, shape, size, hair style, I would love them. I would be honest and ask the questions that needed to be asked. No sugar coating. I would make the statements that needed to be said for truth’s sake so they would always be reminded to stay in their Truth, speak their truth and live their truth so as to live their life wisely, and as such, generously.

She - that part of me - had a genuine intention to Love - fully, unconditionally and infinitely. That love is not lost for Love is an energy that never dies. Love can transform and transcend. While I recognized the part of myself that had wanted to be a mother is not, her voice no longer remains in the shadows. My hope is that by bringing her into the light can be healing for myself and other women like me - that for whatever the reason they are not biological mothers - they too can heal into a new way of offering nurturing, compassion and care. 

Where I start and return to, again and again, is Love of Thyself. We all need to start there, here, and truly live IN loving ourselves because it is what the world needs right now. More Self love.

Celestial Happenstance

This is a story about Spirit weaving three individuals into a single space, so their storylines could intersect to create a beautiful congruence of purpose.

Arranged in a half circle, the yoga practitioners gather in the dimly lit studio. The floor is speckled with various colors of yoga props: chairs, blankets, bolsters, blocks and mats. The entire setting is carefully and mindfully orchestrated to ensure a sense of comfort and safety. The team of teachers sit near the participants, ready to offer assistance when needed. The lead instructor’s voice begins to sift through the room.


When the time comes, the yogis are invited to move to the floor and each assistant lends their support to make the process easeful. Once nestled onto her mat and various yoga props, a blanket is draped over Lily. With the gentle weight resting upon her, she compliments the yoga instructor, “You would make a good mother. You’ve tucked me in.” The yoga instructor smiles and replies, “We all deserve to be tucked in.”

Towards the end of class, the stillness of the final resting pose has silenced the room. Past the double doors to the studio, a baby coos. It’s a happy sound that rings of laughter and…newness. The music notes of the baby’s voice permeate the doors and begin to drift through the studio. This registers upon the teachers; smiles are exchanged. The baby belongs to a gentleman named Alex, who is brand-new to the weekly class. He’s proud and happy to be a new father. 

Once the joy of hearing the baby’s coos subside a new silence settles over the class. The yoga instructor who covered Lily begins to sense something. Sitting on the ground, not far from Alex, she waits for recognition….sadness. She knows immediately why. She herself is not a mother and cannot physically have her own children. The comment about her being a good mother and hearing the baby, resurfaces the grief of losing that part of herself. 

She forces herself to remain seated, to stay in place because she wants only to run. To run away from the deep wave of emotion that is rolling through her. She places a hand on her belly and begins to breathe deeply. The other hand rests upon the opposite forearm and gently squeezes to remind herself of where she is, that she is safe and is ok to feel the emotions she does. She does not flee. She instead chooses to stay present to this part of herself.

After the class concludes, the students filter out of the studio one by one. Lily asks her “draper” if it is normal to feel emotional during practice. The yoga instructor replies, “Absolutely. Our bodies are loyal emotional storage lockers. They will hold onto emotions until they can be released. Are you aware of what you felt and what yoga pose you were in at the time?”

Lily: “Grief. My back was slightly arched and the top of my chest felt…open.”

Assistant: “Ahhh, yes, you were in a heart opener. Our hearts can store sadness and grief. Your heart opener allowed your grief to surface.” 

While the yoga instructor was experiencing her own emotional wave, so was Lily. 

These three adults are all from different walks of life. Their paths intersect on that day in a unique way; for whatever they each felt emotionally, physically and energetically will never again be that same. Like the overlapping colors in a kaleidoscope, the merging will never repeat itself exactly that way again.

There are many “what ifs” about this crossing. Alex’s loss of vision led him to begin working with one of the instructors who specializes in Orientation and Mobility Training with vision impaired individuals. That connection led him to be a part of the class.  A second influencer is the director who passionately brought this program into fruition. It was why everyone came into the space. 

Both Lily and Alex did not know how their choice to participate in the class, on that particular day, would be in divine alignment for an emotional healing that was needed for one of the assistants. No one could predict what the outcome would be. 

People come together, like constellations. For the duration their lives intersect, there is a rare celestial happenstance that can never re-play itself because as it was, was as it was meant to be.

My Winter Blueprint

To this day, there will be a year when I don’t get excited about Christmas. I will have little, to no desire, to prepare for it. It’ll feel like a burden. This was one of those years and it snuck up on me like a panther in the dark of night. On a “good” year, I will happily bring out all our oodles of organized ornaments and lights to set the stage of merriment with delight. But this year, my husband instigated the festive decorating and I merely went along with it. Even when the Christmas Trolley’s came by and the children squealed with glee at the sight of our four foot inflatable Baby Yoda, I felt…meh. 

I figured I was just tired. It was understandable being at the near end of a calendar year, in year two of Covid, actually having had Covid, and life itself; there were many valid reasons to feel drained. The drop in my energy made me fuzzy-minded and the fogginess felt dense. That was, until my body rebelled and practically punched me in the shoulder.

If not tended to our emotions will result in our body as a way to get our attention and communicate. The first SOS came when I strained a muscle in my right leg, then a tendon in my right elbow and lastly I injured my right shoulder. I recall the moment I sensed a twinge in my shoulder. I recognized it and then let it go. Later, I made one simple motion with my right hand and an intense pain shot down my arm that almost took me to my knees. 

Now I was listening. As I nursed my shoulder, I began to connect the signposts between my body and emotions. I looked at the backstories and began to see the outline of my winter blueprint.


THE BACKSTORY

I was about eleven years old when my grandmother came to live with us, shortly after my parents separated. At the time, my sister was away at college so I took on the brunt force of my mother’s anger and emotional responsibility of being a main companion to my grandmother. It was a lot for an eleven year old to process. I felt somewhat abandoned by my sister because she never called to connect with me, to ask how I was doing. I felt very alone.

My grandmother died several years later when I was seventeen. As a result of her passing, my mother slipped into a reactive depression and lacked any motivation to prepare the house for the holiday that season. So, I took it on. This was one of the first times our mother-daughter dynamics were reversed and I took on the parent-role. The version of my mother that was typically strong and stoic had become a shadow. 

I believe a family friend helped us obtain a Christmas tree and I decorated it. Looking back upon the amount of decorations we put up every year was rather ridiculous because it was so lavish. The trips to and from the garage where we stored our boxes of decorations, the sorting, dispensing, the arranging of them all….it was a process that took hours and sometimes two nights to complete.

My sister was newly married so I was left to shoulder this and my mother’s melancholy alone, again. I didn’t understand that she was in a depression, and I of course did not have the maturity or tools to help myself nor my mother through any of it. Raised in a household that did not “air out their dirty laundry” nor talk about their feelings within the family nucleus, I did not know I could ask for help or even how to. 

Food became a comfort source. I ate to cope, to stuff down my feelings. To this day, during the holiday season, overeating can surface for me. Granted the holidays bring about desserts, sauces, savory meats and treats for many and from many people, but I tend to develop cravings. The cravings are a means to stuffing down emotions. 


THIS PAST DECEMBER

One evening as I noticed the sensation of my full stomach after dinner, I recognized how good it felt. The realization dawned on me; this was not a healthy sign. 

So, I asked myself and my body, “What is going on? What am I eating for?” 

I sat quietly and listened.

The reply; “You are nurturing yourself.” 

“Why am I nurturing myself?”

The reply: “Because of the many emotions that were buried long ago. Sadness, hurt, anger, resentment, abandonment - they were not expressed and have been stored. Everything leading up to today - this holiday season, is a reminder of what you felt and those feelings make you perceive that what is today is in fact real because it is all based on what you once felt but never dealt with.”

As I sat there with my full belly, tender elbow and throbbing shoulder, I finally understood that these feelings were never given proper expression. Through the lens of energy healing and Eastern Medicine I began to view my injuries with compassionate insight. The right side of the body relates to; giving out, letting go, masculine energy, logic. (Whereas the left side relates to; receptivity, taking in, feminine energy, intuition.) Legs: carry us forward in life. Elbows: changing directions and accepting new experiences. Shoulders: our ability to carry out experiences in life joyfully, we make life a burden by our perception. “You Can Heal Your Life”, Louise L. Hay

Once I understood what was represented in the various injuries, I delved into the emotional elements through the language of meridians. The Large Intestine Meridian runs across the upper half of the shoulder blade, travels along the top of the arm and finishes at the tip of the index finger. It partners with the Lung Meridian (that runs from the lung, along the full length of the inside of the arm and finishes at the thumb) to help balance grief and courage. The untapped emotions had “flared” in the right side of my body, fighting against logic to exist; to be felt. For it was logical rationalization that had been used to lull the feelings and overeating that had been a coping mechanism. It all began to make sense: I needed to grieve. 

This illumination raised the question: what was different this year that brought all this to the surface?


SUMMERTIME SICKNESS

Back in July, about three days after my husband and I returned from Costa Rica, we tested positive for Covid. Prior to getting Covid, the plan was to have my dad stay with us for a week. My dad has been living with my sister for several years and I assume the intention was to give him a change of scenery and my sister some space. Of course the plan went out the window as soon as we tested positive. Covid was no joke; the body aches, fever and head pressure were intense. For a full twenty four hours, everything hurt, even my skin. My husband recovered much quicker than I as I ended up with Covid Sore Throat. All in all, I was sick for about two weeks and had repercussions to my nervous system for months following. 

In the text exchanges with my sister, she had asked when I tested positive, but I do not recall that she ever checked in thereafter to see how we were doing. It seemed she merely wanted to know “officially” when I tested positive. It was hard not to notice her silence when family and friends lovingly checked in on us. My sister’s lack of effort to communicate felt like her previous absences and as a result it deeply hurt my feelings. I constructed her lack of contact that me getting sick was an inconvenience for her.

Because the scenario felt similar to my past experiences wherein she seemed to “disappear” during some of the most difficult phases in my life, my mind began to draw up stories. When a current setting is similar in feeling, the emotional body reacts to them as truth. The subconscious narrative my mind ran in the background was that I was emotionally abandoned again. So when Christmas came around, the familiar emotional landscape resulted in me experiencing a deep sense of grief and the overeating began, until my body threw out enough signals to get my attention.

My sister and I are ten years apart. That is an entire decade of difference in pop culture, political history, and even our parents. My sister and I are innately very different people; like night and day in personality and communication styles. My sister has never tried to intentionally hurt me. But, the Ego is quite creative and crafty in cultivating comparisons in order to validate and vilify. The void of connection from my sister brought up past wounds and my Ego had plenty to dredge up and layer this recent experience upon.

So, there it is; my Winter Blueprint. 


MY HEALING BLUEPRINT

The understanding of all this illuminated how my mind is programmed to respond and how my emotions are conditioned to react. Once I was aware, I immediately felt energetically lighter because I understood the story. It is essential to allow oneself to process every feeling. Otherwise, our emotions will undergo a process that will force us to recognize them. Resistance to our feelings can restrict us from healing, learning and evolving. When we close off our heart, we close the door to our full potential to heal and overcome.


Once I was able to see the stories and understood my emotions that resulted from my experiences, I knew what needed to be released. My physical gateway is through the practice of yoga; it can help me move the emotional energy out of my body to prevent it from suffering from dis-ease. Next, came the energy healing. I was fortunate to facilitate an Intuitive Healing session days after these life-changing realizations and it greatly helped heal my subtle (energy) body. Lastly, I was able to hare this with soul sisters. Women greatly heal through vocalizing. A key component of anyone’s healing is to be able to share their experience; to feel seen and heard.


THE HEALING TRUTH

Remember when you were a kid and you were either super excited about something or had a lot of stored energy from being bored? It felt like you might burst at the seams! Except, as adults, lack of recognition and respective processing can create an internal combustion that leads to an ill-being. We must first see and recognize what we feel. Once the emotion(s) are identified, they then need time and space to process. The energy of emotions needs to be moved out of the body. 

Recognize, understand, accept, move it through and out.

I believe healing happens in stages and when we are ready. Only when we are willing to be with our emotions can we validate them for ourselves and create the space to heal. We cannot heal by ignoring ourselves nor blaming others. In our various stages of healing, recognition and acceptance will enable each layer of the onion to be revealed and released. This is how we can make our way forward, to an internal space where we feel liberated from the tether of our wounds.

Stepping up to the plate means holding oneself accountable for how they can attend to their wounds and further attune to their emotional well-being. Our emotional well-being is the foundation of our physical health. When I do energy work with people, I can see their energetic blue-print; areas of the body are revealed as emotional storage containers and it's that containment that can contaminate the entire being. Energy work can help to release energetic stagnation. While understanding our lessons is invaluable, we cannot reason our way into healing: it must be felt within all our layers.


INTUITIVE HEALING

Through the process of my personal healing journey, along with spiritual guidance and insightful feedback, I have cultivated Intuitive Healing sessions. It is a blend of restorative yoga, channeling and hands on healing to provide and attend to the various layers of healing for the physical, energetic, emotional and spiritual. All of it is guided by the recipient's energy so each session is unique to the needs of the individual. Healing is in the abstract because it addresses the unseen; our emotions, energy and spirit. That’s what makes it powerful and profound. 

If you’d like to learn more Intuitive Healing sessions, click here: 

Ultimately, be kind to yourself along your process of healing. Allow yourself to feel and be loved. For it is the energy of love that is most powerful and has the potential to heal all.

Freedom in My Boundaries

Not long ago, during a chat with my uncle, I was asked if I had communicated with a particular cousin. 

“No,” I replied.

He blew out a soft sigh and said, “Wow, you can really hold a grudge.”

“I’m not holding a grudge, Tio, I am merely keeping a healthy boundary for myself.”

UC Berkeley defines a personal boundary as “limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” (“What Are Personal Boundaries?”)

Every family has its own sense of moral and ethical codes that are passed down, generation to generation. In her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit,“ Caroline Myss calls this “tribal power.” It consists of both positive and negative beliefs, behaviors and group experiences. It is considered “law of the land;” loyalists do not roam beyond nor define their own horizons. 

As family can be our first sense of belonging, we are generally strongly loyal to our familia. Loyalty is instinctive because evolutionary wise it increases our chance of survival. To go against this primal instinct can create immense fear, especially if one’s identity is strongly connected to their tribe. A person can feel like they are disrobing long worn roles and as result they may feel exposed and vulnerable. But, withdrawing from a family structure may be essential, because a toxic tribal power can negatively affect one’s individual health. The more one clings to a negative collective culture, the more susceptible they become to dis-ease. The stress will take a toll on one’s mind, heart and soul.

Setting boundaries takes a brave heart because it takes courage to place your needs first. Family will likely criticize you as being selfish, the boundary received as a betrayal and or rejection. This reaction is generally indicative of a narcissistic mentality but can become an opportunity of choice; either continue to be part of the cycle or get off the carousel. 

Another trait of human nature is to cultivate stories wherein we place ourselves as the “good one” and they as the “bad one”. The narration changes depending on who is telling the tale and whom is listening. We truly have no control over how the story is spun by others. Trying to overturn their narration, not matter how false it may be, is like trying to herd a bunch of cats: you just can’t and you’re foolish to believe you ever will be able to. So…you let go.

When I chose to stop playing my part in the relationship with my cousin, no doubt many stories were construed about me. Any or all of those fables are out of my control. I knew and understood that as exited stage left. If I had not departed when I did, I would have drowned in the cyclical pattern of a toxic relationship what was never going to change. What inspired my decision?

My mother’s death. It was a profound life changing experience. During this time I witnessed people showing up as their best or worst self. It was amazing to me when people dismissed a dying woman’s wishes because their personal agenda mattered more. The high sense of entitlement nearly broke my soul. Everything I witnessed and experienced was like pandora’s box being blown wide open: it forced me to reevaluate all aspects of myself and my life. I knew that love was all that mattered and to live a life not filled with it could only leave room for non-loving people.

Rather than ravage a war against them, I instead took responsibility for cultivating a life that came from my truth. I chose love for myself: mentally, psychically and spiritually. It required an honest look within and I had to become accountable for everything that aligned with my heart and what did not. In order to focus my energy into evolving, I needed to pull back all my outgoing energy that went into excessive toxic relationships, because the only ones it served, was them.

Letting go of virulent people has been essential to my vitality. I am sure some people would say, “But, if you only understood them.” I do understand them. I know why they act and behave as they do. I suspect my compassion was received as a red carpet. This cousin is immensely sad, angry and quite possibly wounded beyond repair; because they believe this is the one story that exists for them. Compassion does not mean we have to compromise ourself: it simply can be feeling sympathy. That can be enough and more than often than we realize, it is all that is really needed from us.

It has never been my intention to change them. I know I cannot. But, I did have the power to change my beliefs, behaviors and body of life and it was my responsibility to do so. They say we choose the family we are born into, for they provide a great many lessons. Perhaps the dissonance I experienced awakened in me an awareness of how I hope to never treat people and how I want to be in the world: honest, authentic, understanding, compassionate and…. to draw the line when I need to.

I am grateful for the few cousins I remain in contact with. The connections are honest and easeful. I have been fortunate to cultivate a broader sense of family within my current community and it is a beautiful blend of family and friends. I can honestly say that by letting go of negative family members, I am much happier for it. I have the energy and the room to be present in my life, both in heart and mind. As energy always finds a balance in life, I do have a deeper appreciation for the heartfelt connections that I am blessed with.

May you find your happy place and may it be complete with honesty, compassion and self love. For love of the self is truly when the healing begins and new chapters can form in your life story.

“Compassionate people ask for what they need.

They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.

They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”

~ Brene’ Brown

Soul Sisterhood

Step by step, my feet fall upon the cushy sand and I reminded of where I am in the moment.

My bearings are kept with the ocean on the right, cliffs on the left. A gentle breeze caresses my cheeks, the sun softly skims my skin. Words flow in between a beautiful friend and I and together they create a harmonious melody. Some of the notes are low, others high. Tones range from an upbeat excitement to slow and thoughtful, sometimes even sadness. The reflections soar like streams of silk dancing upon the music of our words. The considerate expressions and compassionate listening creates a sacred balance. I feel as though all the words I have spoken have cleared my mind and body, creating a sense of energetic and spiritual clarity. This is a Soul Sister walk ’n talk.

Women heal by vocalizing, through talking out our experiences and feelings. When you move while talking, pent up emotions are exercised out. Though powerful it is relatively simple: we walk and talk. The combination can clear mental, emotional and energetic pathways. In this dynamic, women can offer one another the ability to feel seen and heard. This, in itself, can help mend deep wounds because one of the greatest ways to disempower someone is to minimize the ability for them to feel seen and heard. 

In Nischala Joy Devi’s book, “The Secret Power of Yoga”, she writes about how the root of the term “gossiping” came from “God’s parenting”. In our ancestral villages, women gathered and shared information to help spread knowledge as a way to keep all villagers safe. This ability to gather and share held an innate power that was successfully broken down and demeaned over time, through various patriarchal systems. In our culture today, women are starting to experience and understand how precious and powerful it is when women harmonize. Our gatherings enable expressions and our listening empowers every member in the circle.

The power of communication must be modeled and shared. Otherwise the language dies and people suffer. Similar to how stories or trade skills get handed down generation to generation; they need to be demonstrated in order for the youth to learn and pass it on. The ability to have conscious conversations was not modeled in my childhood home. I learned it over time and through key friendships.

IN THE PAST

I met my childhood bestie the first week in Kindergarten. I liked her right away; she had a bright, confident smile and something about her radiated “cool and down to earth.” 

I asked, “Wanna go play?” 

She said, “Sure!” 

We were best friends from that day until our first year in high school. Our friendship combusted midway through freshman year because I was wrestling with a severe depression and unbeknownst to me, she had all sorts of struggles going on too. Despite the years we had known each other, we didn’t share what transpired in each of our lives. Instead, we suppressed our strains. So, one day we had the argument that was the end of everything. We stormed off our separate ways and didn’t speak again until we were in our twenties. I was so shut down I didn’t even know it was one of the saddest moments in my life. My heart had been closed off from not sharing my truth due to a deep sense of shame. All too often silence and shame support systemic stigmas.

Fortunately my involvement in various school organizations did not leave me bereft of friendship throughout high school, but I didn’t meet that next special friend until my early twenties. It was during a very poor attempt at match-making by a friend to connect me with one of his friends. I instead connected with Daphne. 

She later called, “Want to hang out sometime?” 

I was amazed! I didn’t know grown-ups still asked if you wanted to be friends. “Heck yeah!” 

As an adult, the leap of friendship-faith is the same, just worded differently, “Would you like to get together for coffee?” “Do you enjoy wine tasting?”

Through my friendship with Daphne, I learned how to have conscious conversations; sharing without censorship and with great compassion. Even at such a young age, we were able to hold space for one another - to be heard and seen, without judgement, criticism or expectation. As I continue on my life journey, I now know how rare this is. Daphne and I are still friends and our closeness has become a cornerstone of the foundation in how I cultivate connections today. 


THROUGH MY FRIENDSHIPS

Every time we extend our hand in friendship, we extend a bit of our heart. We must each be brave to bare our truth and compassionate to not judge. We also need to take ownership of our feelings and speak up when needed to express when our feelings are hurt, when we’re confused or even to just to set boundaries. We are not responsible for emotionally managing another; it’s up to us to take care of ourselves - Soul Sisters just offer presence and support.

The crux of our ability to show up stems from how we show up and treat ourself. No one is born knowing how to love themself. Self compassion, self reflection and self love are qualities we must each learn and practice. Sisterhood can provide that space because we can all learn from and with each other. We are models for everyone one of our friends and every woman, whether we know it or not.

I have also learned the more you know yourself, the more attuned you are as to who is meant to be your friend. There are friendships that start with a sizzle and then quickly fizzle. That’s part of life; not every friendship is a perennial. Sometimes courting a friendship is like dating; you’re seeing and feeling if this friendship is meant to be or not to be. We can still learn something about ourself.

Community and individuality can co-exist when each friend remains consciously aware of the time and emotional space they take up. This mindfulness prevents the exchange from veering off and becoming one-sided. If there is not equanimity, the one who is able to share the least will end up feeling drained and eventually exhausted. We’ve all had the experience with the friend who always has something dramatic going on, always talks about themself and rarely ever asks how you are doing. Eventually, the friendship begins to feel more like an obligation.

THESE DAYS

My kindred spirit from grade school and I reconnect every few years. In our last conversation, I thanked her for being my childhood friend and what a gift it was even to this day. We were able to talk about the aftermath of our friendship and how each of our parents shamed us for not being able to work it out. My mother made it clear how very disappointed she was that I “gave up” on my friendship; that I should have been willing to work it out.

Here’s the kicker; my mother shamed me for something that was not modeled in my household. My parents would have spats and typically one of them would shut down and the other would storm off. That scenario sounds very familiar, doesn’t it? I simply did not know how to have constructive-work-it-out-conversations. I instead knew criticism, blame and accusations rather than reflection, accountability and articulation. I knew how not to say anything until…I blew up. For my friend, she said her household was similar; they didn’t talk about their feelings.

My parents reward system of approval or disapproval resulted in me yearning to be heard and seen. I replicated many family agitations with my grade school friends through power plays and exercising my own approval or disapproval. My subconscious wanted to heal my heart by repeating what it saw, heard, and felt. Because my initial perception of friendship was based on dynamics with my mother I was competitive, condescending and critical. I left those early friendships in the gutter because I didn’t know how to show up for myself.

This particular hindsight brings a beautiful realization: we are innately able to learn from others. 

EVER EVOLVING

The way I tend to my friendships has evolved over time. In my twenties, connections were largely centered around drinking, dancing and hoping to land a date with a dude. In my thirties, it was less about dancing and dudes and became more about dinner dates and going to bars. Once I was married, it ceased being about guys and conversations were more or less sprinkled into an activity or an outing such as dinner or shopping.

In my mid-forties, the pandemic shifted all of that and boy has it been a real blessing. When eateries and coffee houses had to close their doors, sister time was forced to happen outdoors. The pandemic essentially simplified everything: go out doors and….talk! So, whether there was a coffee in hand or not, conversations with my sisters became about just being together; deepening our one-on-one connection. It was also the beginning of a weekly Zoom chat with four amazing women that we call “Coffee Talk.” The insight, compassion and honesty of this group has been a real game changer. We’re able to be very real and raw with one another.

In my array of friendships, I am “in the middle” age wise and almost quite literally being forty six years old. I have friends in their late twenties all the way to their 80’s. No matter the “order”, insight can be offered in either direction. There is not a sense of entitlement of authority from the elders, nor does there seem to be sense of inferiority by the Youngers. I appreciate what I have and can learn from my older sisters and this in turn makes me realize the value of what I can pass onto another sister. Soul Sisterhood honors and celebrates who we each are not what “we” want you to be. I am lucky to know the amazing women I call soul sisters. I truly consider each of them to be Superheroes, because of what they bring into the world with their Truth, Heart and Soul.

My hope for all women is that everyone finds their circle, village or tribe where you can all talk and share your truth. May you each support one another and remember to stay true to yourself: don’t conform to belong. As long as we are willing to own our lessons; we are worthy and can all learn from each other. May we all continue to be life students and continue to grow and evolve in loving ourselves and our sisters. 

To my soul sisters of yesterday, today and tomorrow

May you continue to experience the joy and song

Of dancing to the rhythm of your heart’s drum

Through your journey in life

May you remember that what you do and say matters;

That every genuine No and Yes

Will give empower all in the Universe

May you remain bright, bold and strong

And know that your impact will live ever on.

Whether it be with a few or many

May your love, your heart and your soul prevail on.




Affirm Yourself

About a dozen years ago, while meandering through the clothing aisles at Ross, I came upon a gray tank top. When I pulled it from the rack, I saw that it read:


(on the front)

“DO WHAT YOU LOVE”

(on the back)

“LOVE WHAT YOU DO”


I turned the shirt forward and back a few times and kept silently repeating the print.


I recall reacting with, “Huh.” 


I felt inspired and a bit uncomfortable at the same time. In some way, the shirt ruffled something within me that was past my comfort zone. It resonated. So, I decided to own it and tossed the shirt into my cart. I still have the top and have worn it out. Literally. The fabric is sheer, the print barely there and it has a few holes. The tank top is on its “last life” as a pajama top now. I love this shirt.


The tank’s print was a Foreword in my new book on life. At the time I purchased the life affirming shirt, I was in a profession that did not make me happy. I wasn’t fulfilled - I was merely content. I knew, even though I didn’t have the slightest clue as to how, there had to be more to my life than the monotony it was, but I didn’t believe it was possible.


My next big awakening with affirmations was when I was introduced to Louise L. Hay and her legendary book, “You Can Heal Your Life.” Through the guidance of the self-paced healing book, I began to see how my emotional wounds and shadow beliefs manifested in my physical body and in my way of life. Something big happened as I went through the book. I began to see how I toted my shadow self around with me like a superhero cape. The illumination brought forth a profound healing that encouraged me to stop looking back upon my residual programs and instead to look forward and cultivate anew. That is the amazing ability of affirmations: they have the potential to shift our mindset, cultivate new thoughts and beliefs, and inspire us to Be in a new way.


Our conditioning begins when we began to communicate with the world. Therein the seeds of self-thought are planted and reinforced to become The System of Self-belief. The way we come to perceive ourself is what we come to believe as true. That conception blurs our actual ability to see and connect with our innate self by having us believe we are limited. While it is challenging to undo this unhealthy, sticky webbing, it is reversible. That’s why affirmations are powerful; the more you repeat them, the more you revise and can eliminate old programs.


For every one negative comment your consciousness takes in, it takes at least five positive ones to neutralize it and begin to shift your belief system the other direction. One negative to every five positive.


The other beauty of affirmations is that you can create your own. While guided affirmations like those provided by Louise L. Hay can be incredibly insightful, one does not have to depend on an outside source. Once you’ve dabbled and delved into practicing with affirmations, create your own. An affirmation does not have to be elaborate; they can be one word. Such as peace, love, devotion, creation, appreciation. Work with your phrases for a time, notice how you feel, notice what shifts within and within your life.


Here’s how they work.


Whether you write, recite them aloud, sing or paint them - the sheer act and fact that your consciousness has to acknowledge the affirmation is what is important. It’s sort of like using flash cards to train your brain - in this case, retrain your frame of mind. The key is to repeat the phrase a minimum of five times and to be physically engaged while doing so. The deeper the wound you are mending, the more important it is to connect to your body, your sense of self. Insults and injuries on all levels, are well imprinted in our minds because adrenaline is secreted during the original experience. The amplified energy locks the images, words, and emotions into what becomes our frame of reference. Injury and trauma can be over come when we have a visceral connection to our body and self in the present moment. That’s why repetition and writing (in particular) is a powerful dynamic that can shift your belief system. Before you begin your affirmation practice, take a moment to sense your connection to the space you are in, the way your body is supported - so that your mind knows you are in the moment. In the now.


Nothing is ever too late to over-ride or re-do. It comes down to our belief, faith some repetition (which is really about dedication and self devotion) and…some bad ass affirmations that can crack open your sense of empowerment. There is more to us than “meets the mind’s eye.” May you step out of your shadows and embrace the very words that resonate with you and Be You.

References

“You Can Heal Your Life”, by Louise L. Hay


”Badass Affirmations: The Wit and Wisdom of Wild Women”, by Becca Anderson

You can also refer to my Love Notes for a monthly affirmation. A new one is posted at the beginning of every month and is also included in my monthly newsletter. Click here to subscribe.

Scar Tissue

Scar tissue can come in many forms; physical, emotional, mental. It is generated in an effort to protect us by encapsulating the wound, foreign element or trauma so as to make us feel safe and whole. Our body, just like our mind, will remember the threat, even if there is no longer one. My own body remembered and it told me.

This past late Spring, while receiving reiki from my dear friend (fondly called Flower Child), I felt called to tune into my body and have a conversation. Calendar-wise, it was a few weeks shy of having been a year since my surgery. The year before in June of 2021, I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids that had grown so large it was equivalent to being five months pregnant. There I was laying on the massage table, receiving reiki, close to the anniversary date and my body remembered. It was tense, locked in an automatic response mode. I rested my hands on my incision and silently asked, “What is wrong?”

I heard, “We are afraid we will be cut again. Last year you had us cut; the skin, layers of muscles and parts were taken away. We remember. So, we are afraid.” Even though I had communicated with my body prior to the surgery and shared the intention of it, I had neglected to let it know there would be no other procedure following. It didn’t get the memo. So, with love, I let my body know I understood its fear and sent love and appreciation to my abdomen. I then carefully explained the surgery had served its purpose and there would not be another procedure. We were all safe.” My abdomen softened, like a stick of butter.

My healing happened in stages. There were general one the doctors advised me of and there were my own distinct phases based on my body’s unique story. Despite what I might have expected or wanted of myself, my body had it own perception and timeline. Period.

I have been as mindful as I can be when it comes to tending to my physical and emotional healing. When it comes to my scar tissue, I continue to be aware of sensations in my abdomen. I am mindful to consistently stretch and release every muscle group interconnected with my pelvic floor to prevent the scar tissue from thickening. I have found stretches that allow my abdominal massages to go deep, but gently. 

I now must pay attention to how long I have been sitting because if I sit for too long, my left psoas major will contract and when it does it can be uncomfortable or even painful to walk. The incision itself can still be very tender. If I am not careful, just the sheer graze of an elastic waistband will feel like shards of fire glass. All this may be a process I have to continue throughout my life, but it is a conversation I am willing to hold. 

Our cultural mindset gears us to believe and behave that once a procedure is complete and the “major” healing is done - the patient is good and done to move on. But, the reality is that the body’s takes much longer than what doctors tell us, based on what they actually know. After any procedure, the body will develop scar tissue and it needs to be managed mindfully and consistently to avoid creating a domino affect throughout your body. For me, about seven to eight months after the surgery, I could feel that it was ok to deepen my stretches and move in familiar ways again.

Every body is different. Every person will have their own timeline to healing and each will have a unique set of needs in which to heal. Healing is not a race - it is a sense of being. To truly heal we have to be fully present and honest with our self to what is. It means acknowledging our current limitations and not being afraid to ask for support. It may mean relearning or unlearning something. Ultimately, it is about self acceptance: meeting yourself as you are. Not, where you think you should be but where you are right now.

Sometimes the process of healing can be emotionally challenging. We can feel vulnerable and insecure, thus stripped and raw. Without the body we are used to we can feel exposed. Our behaviors must adapt in order to survive and those changes can create a sense of being stripped. But, that stripping can create a sense of softness too. We can find ourselves deeply moved by another’s action in helping us, or the subtle power in a simple moment, or even just breathing. When we can be genuinely present with ourself throughout the process, it enriches the moments of celebration.

Time and time again, I am able to celebrate small activities that I used to know and do so well. It has been incredibly humbling and I appreciate the honesty in the relationship I have with my body. This past summer I stepped into the ocean and felt a freedom that I had not in a long while; I felt free in my body. I knew it was healed because it told me.

As for my emotional scar tissue, sometimes it still gets scratched. I did a lot of emotional healing leading up to the surgery, but it does not mean there is still not more lurking. My awareness of what is of myself enables me to be present and compassionate. It’s sort of like catching a lizard by its tail. I take it in, understand it, find appreciation for what it has shown me, place it down and move on.

The intelligence of the human body is a universe unto itself. Despite our technological advances, we are still exploring and expanding our understanding of the human form. But, the greatest exploration is the one we can allow for ourselves is of ourselves. There is so much more to us than skin and bone; we have heart, soul, energy. Let your scar tissue serve you by showing you what needs to be healed. Listen to it wholeheartedly and respond wisely. 

As you heal, try to respect your body’s timeline because it (the body) is a divine creation that is still showing us how to be.

If you are interested in my previous entires about my journey of healing with and from my fibroids, I invite you to read: “Ohhh U-terus!”, “Fred, Ethel & My Womb” and “Saying Goodbye”.